Diary of a Hellsing Butler
by DianaPrince31
Summary: Walter decides to chronicle his time with the Hellsing Organization. These are not in chronological order
1. April 13th 1978

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Note: Here it is, a new Hellsing series. These are some snippets from Walter's diary.**

 **April 13** **th** **1978**

At only five months and already the young Miss Integra shows a propensity towards violence. I was trying to feed her lunch this afternoon and Integra took my monocle and dashed it on the floor. When I went to clean up the broken glass, she then dropped her bowl of food on me.


	2. September 13, 1979

Diary of A Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **September 13, 1979**

I found Miss Integra in Sir Arthur's office, on his desk. How she climbed up there, I'll never know. Integra was taking great pleasure in taking anything on the desk and throwing it on the floor, including the picture of her mother, which her father treasured very much. Of course, Sir Arthur was terribly upset about that, but he knew that Integra didn't know any better. It is a good thing that the photo was not damaged and it just needed a new frame.


	3. June 22 1982

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing  
**

**June 22, 1982**

Sir Arthur had managed to set up a playdate with the Whitehall family, a very prestigious family. The young master Andrew Whitehall is the same age as Miss Integra, so I thought that the two would behave well together…. I was wrong…. five minutes into the visit and Andrew ran into the sitting room with a bloody nose. Apparently, Miss Integra had punched him, when he pulled her hair. The Whitehalls were very upset. I can tell there will be no more play dates between the Hellsings and the Whitehalls.


	4. March 19th 1978

Diary Of A Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **March 19, 1978**

Miss Integra has made it clear that she did not like strained peas. It took 2 and a half hours to feed her. When I put the first spoonful of the baby food into her mouth. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers and then she spat the food out, all over my face. When I retrieved a cloth to clean my face, she pushed the bottle on the floor spilling it's contents. Sigh….if she's going to be this picky, meal times is going to be a horror show. Maybe I should get Sir Arthur to feed her, since he's right now in the other room laughing his bloody ass off!


	5. June 20th 1995

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

June 20, 1995

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (how many times do I must say that?)**

 **June 20, 1995**

After what can only be called a disaster of a meeting, I suggested that Sir Integra do something that would help calm her anger, maybe play the violin. She used to play so beautifully. Unfortunately, that didn't work out so well. After a few notes that sounded like a cat dying and a stalling locomotive, I heard a slew of unladylike swearing. When I went to tell Sir Integra what I thought of her use of the English language, I saw her smashing the violin, like a rock star smashes their guitar. She then tossed the destroyed instrument in the fireplace and asked rather sarcastically if there any more instruments that I wanted her to play.


	6. January 29th 1979

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

January 29, 1979

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **January 29,1979**

I have no idea where young Miss Integra found the permanent markers but she did and proceeded to scrawl on every empty surface within reach. Artistic as she was, her father was not happy. Where did I put the bloody paint cans again?


	7. November 6, 1977

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

November 6, 1977

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **November 6, 1977**

*Yawn* Miss Integra must have lungs made of steel. She has done nothing but cry for the last week! Sir Arthur and I have not slept a wink, I'm beginning to think that Miss Integra is doing this on purpose. *Yawn*


	8. May 26th 1982

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

May 26, 1982

Sapphirewyren

 **May 26, 1982**

Crap! Arthur is going to kill me! I decided to take Miss Integra to the supermarket with me to get some groceries. But the second I look away, she was gone. If I don't find her soon I could kiss my bloody job goodbye. Just then I heard her voice on the loud speaker; "Walter, please come to the manager's office immediately, I'm lost and I don't like it!" Thank God! When I reached the office, Miss Integra gave me a big hug. She had no clue of the scare she gave me. "Let's keep this as our little secret, ok Miss Integra?"

"Okay, Walter."

When we returned home, Arthur greeted us; "So how was your trip to the supermarket, sweetie?"

"It was great, Father. I got lost, but I'm not supposed to tell you, it's supposed to be Walter's and I little secret, Father."

Oooooh boy, am I going to hear it later.


	9. July 16th 1997

Diary of A Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

April 4th 1986

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Notes: This was inspired by a chat on Discord. Enjoy**

 **April 4** **th** **1986**

They were at it again. Sir Arthur had asked Miss Integra to tidy up her room countless times, however, she ignored him.

"Integra, how many times do I have to tell you, clean your room and make your bed?" sighed Sir Arthur.

"You wouldn't have to, if you asked Walter to do it instead. Isn't that what you pay him for?" retorted Miss Integra.

Where had she gotten that attitude? Her father was not happy; "I do not like that tone you're taking, young lady. You have to learn responsibility. Walter can't always clean up after you."

 **July 16** **th** **1997**

Today Sir Integra was late in waking up, so I went to her room to make sure she was alright. Imagine my surprise at seeing the state of her room! It was pig sty! Clothes littered the floor and all the furniture. There were paper and books all over the place. And cigar butts and ashes coated everything. How does she live in this!? It's a miracle that she herself is not filthy. Oh bloody hell, did I just step on a bra? Are those dishes? I swear if I see a tampon, I'm going to bat shit mad! It was hard to find Sir Integra under the piles of clothes and blankets. When I was finally able to wake her up, I gave her a piece of my mind on the state of her room. Her response was; "Cleaning is your job, it's what I pay you to do. I can't do both of our jobs."

*Sigh* Guess I better get the broom.


	10. December 2nd 1981

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

Sapphirewyren

Dec 2nd 1981

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Dec 2** **nd** **1981**

Damn! The toilet is clogged up with the most unusual things; a rubber duck, several silver spoons, a mitten and a handful of chestnuts.

"Miss Integra, did you put these things in the toilet?"

"No…."

"Are you lying?"

"Noooo….."

"So, who put these things in the toilet?"

"Ummm….daddy did!"

Just the Sir Arthur walked into the bathroom; "What did I do?"

"Nothing daddy!" and Miss Integra ran out of the bathroom. Arthur looked at the pile of things; "Walter why are you putting things in the toilet?"

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!


	11. August 3rd 131

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

August 3rd 1981

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **August 3** **rd** **1981**

*OUCH!* This is the fifth time that I have been poked by Miss Integra. Sir Arthur got it through his head that his daughter should take fencing and swordsmanship lessons. I thought it was a good idea, but now I regret it. Miss Integra has decided that I would make a perfect target for her new saber.

"Miss Integra, please stop poking me, that hurts."

"I need a partner to practice with and Father is busy."

"Then you should wait until your tutor returns for the next lesson."

"But he says to practice outside of lessons."

"Well I'm busy, Miss Integra, so you'll have….ouch!"

This time I was practically sodomized by a five-year-old….


	12. April 9th 1982

Diary of a Hellsing butler

April 9th 1982

Sapphirewyren

 **April 9** **th** **1982**

"Walter, where do babies come from?" That's the question that Miss Integra decided to ask early this morning. I, of course was shocked, but as calmly as I could, I replied; "I will tell you later, Miss. Right now I am busy." And I managed to use that excuse every time Miss Integra reminded me of my 'promise'. When it was her bedtime, I went to check on her and she said; "Walter, you're not busy, so where do babies come from?" I couldn't tell a six-year-old how sex and babies worked, but I also didn't want to tell her some made up nonsense about a stork bringing people babies. She wouldn't believe me anyway, so I said the only thing that I could think of; "Oh darn! I forgot!" Miss Integra narrowed her eyes, probably to see if I was lying and then she hopped out her bed and walked out her room, towards her father's office, naturally I followed.

"Father, I have a question and Walter says he forgot the answer!"

"What is the question, Integra?" asked Sir Arthur. Poor fool had no clue what he was in for.

"I wanted to know where babies come from."

There was silence for a few moments, I could only imagine the look on Sir Arthur's face looked like. I thought he might send her back to bed with the excuse of how late it was. But he said; "It would see, that I too have forgotten the answer to that question".

"WHAT!? DOES NO ONE IN THIS BLOODY HOUSE KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BABY!?"


	13. April 16th 1977

APRIL 16TH 1977

Diary of a Hellsing Butler

DianaPrince31

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing (I wish I did)**

I don't think that I am cut out to take care of a baby and neither is Miss Integra's father….it's those bloody diapers! For something so small, Miss Integra can do some massive damage in there. And what's worse is that her own father doesn't change her, I have to! I may be the butler, but there is only so much I can do and I am sure this was not in the job description. Sir Arthur only changed the baby once and the minute he got a bit of poop on his hand, he freaked out….there is Miss Integra crying now because she pooped herself…I'll be right back, I have to go and change her…*Sigh* I can't wait until she is potty trained.

AUGUST 4TH 1981

Today while Sir Arthur was having a meeting with the Round Table, somehow Miss Integra found her way into the conference room and asked; "Father, what's the period?" Of course everyone in the room was astounded, I however was curious to see how Sir Arthur would answer.

"Integra, the period is the small dot at the end of a sentence" Sir Arthur replied.

"But I read a book that said something different. It said that every month a girl bleeds from her vagina" wailed Miss Integra "I don't want to bleed, father!" What book was this and why was it in the library? At this time Miss Integra was crying and Sir Arthur tried, he couldn't comfort the child. But what was surprising was when Miss Integra ran up to one of the knights and punched him in the groin, screaming; "If I'm going to bleed, so are you!" I grabbed the girl and ran out of the room….I am NOT looking forward to her teen years….*Sigh*


	14. October 31st 1983

DIARY OF A HELLSING BUTLER

Sapphirewyren

October 31st 1983

 **Disclaimer : I do not own Hellsing**

I dread this day. I don't mind the whole goblin, witches and ghosts thing. Or the costumes and the large amounts of candy. What I don't like is having to tow around a small child in the cold to go house to house asking for candy from complete strangers. So all day I waited in fear for Miss Integra to come and beg me to take her trick or treating, but nothing happened. By the time 5:00 in the evening came, I went to her room to ask her about trick or treating.

"I would rather stay home with you and father and read scary stories."

Miss Integra then pulled out a large sack of candy, took out a Snickers bar and bit into it. "Where did you get all that candy from?" I asked.

"Father and I went to the store yesterday."

"Is any of that for the trick or treaters?"

"No."

So that night the family spent Halloween night together, but in the morning I found out that the potential trick or treaters were not happy about the lack of candy and they showed their disappointment by decorating the front gate with eggs. Looks like it's scrambled eggs for breakfast.

 **Authors Notes: Sorry for not having a Halloween story, but I had a pretty busy week. Lack of interviews and having a toothache and then having to go to thw emergency room to get it pulled out. I couldn't write with all that pain, but now it's gone. Yay!**


	15. January 16 1984

DIARIES OF A HELLSING BUTLER

January 16th 1984

DianaPrince31

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **January 16** **th** **1984**

Today I decided to take Miss Integra to the playground so that she could play with other children like a normal child, but when we arrived; she decided that she wanted to play by herself. After a while several girls invited her to play and I have to admit that I was trying very hard not to jump up and down like an idiot. Soon some rowdy boys came and started throwing snowballs at the girls. This sent the girls running and crying to their mothers and Miss Integra to me. Since the other girls had gone home, I asked the young girl if she wanted to go home, but she shook her head and scampered off. Not too long after that, one of the boys yelped in pain as a snowball smacked him in the face, blooding his nose. Another snowball smacked another boy, this time from another direction. It was like watching a sniper at work, taking out the boys, until they ran off crying.

Soon Miss Integra reappeared by my side; "We may go now".

I decided it was best not to question how she did it; also I must warn Sir Arthur about having a snowball fight with Miss Integra.

Chapter End


	16. May 20 1984

DIARIES OF A HELLSING BUTLER

MAY 20TH 1984

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **May 20** **th** **1984**

Sometimes I wonder where Sir Arthur gets these hair brained ideas from, must run in the family. He decided that Miss Integra needed a more feminine influence in her life and decided that he should start dating! Dating! Well needless to say that did not go over very well as Miss Integra did not like any woman that Sir Arthur bought home. She displayed her dislike by cutting up the poor woman's clothes! After a couple more fiascos that escalated from cutting clothes to cutting hair, Sir Arthur decided that dating was not a good idea. A blind man could see that was a poor choice. But he still wanted Miss Integra to have a female presence in her life and so he searched for a governess for her. He found Agatha Singleton and poor Miss Singleton found a large amount of worms in her bed, she never returned to the Hellsing Manor. I have a feeling that Miss Singleton may have told others of Miss Integra because other governesses flat out refused Sir Arthur when he asked. After a while Sir Arthur became weary of looking for a 'female influence' for Miss Integra.

 **May 20** **th** **1987**

I never thought I would see Miss Agatha Singleton again and neither did Sir Integra, apparently by the look on her face. It would seem that Miss Singleton is still upset about the worm thing as she made a comment about Sir Integra being masculine and in need of guidance in how to be more feminine, something she could have provided since Sir Integra's childhood. I thought that Sir Integra would make a rude comment or throw her out, but instead said nothing and asked me to prepare a guest bedroom for her. I was so proud of Sir Integra, but I really should have known she was up to something. Later on when it was time for everyone to retire, I heard a loud pitched scream and I ran to where it came from. It came from the guest bedroom, I saw Integra standing in the room with a smirk on her face and Miss Singleton was on the floor, weeping.

"What is going on here, Sir?"

Miss Singleton just pointed to the bed, on it was large squirming worms on it, and every inch of the mattress was covered in it.

"I just remembered how she like her bed made" said Sir Integra as she walked out.

Chapter End

 **Author's Notes: I have Goosebumps to thank for inspiring this chapter.**


End file.
